Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Childhood baggage

I saw this one TV ad about child abuse - that was like  20 years ago,maybe? All I remembered, I was still a kid back then.

It was a song, played with clips of picture about children get beaten up, scars everywhere, crying and a lot more. I remembered one clip, a weaken child, somehow on a folded mattress trying to reach out.

I saw this ad more than once and as weird as it may seem, there's this feeling that stays with me up till today, on and off. It was like, being stuck in something, trying to get out but can't. Just like the child in a folded mattress. At the same time, feeling breathless.

Come to think of it, I would have felt it after a not-so-good event. Just like today, I feel it again because of a last night story.

I guess,it's a baggage that I've been carrying all this while and it's not easy to get rid off.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Comfort zone or burn out?

wake up at 5 - ready for work - work, work, work - home - shower, dinner - tv  - sleep

This is my daily routine and honestly speaking, I'm getting exhausted with this train of events.

Been working here in *** for almost 3 years (if I were to count from the first day I came for duty). Working half day on Saturday, on call for every Sunday and public holidays and still, with no salary increment. Plus, the same old work routine almost everyday.

I am exhausted as well with these routines.

Vs.

I wanted to lose weight or at least get the body shape that I've been dreaming of. I've imagined myself so into this exercise + diet thingy and voila, I finally own that body!

Reality is, I only go exercising like once or twice a week. During the weekend, I eat like a monster. I have the desire but I don't have the motivation. Uggghh

In terms of career development, I really want to try new OT areas and of course, the surroundings.  But being in private sector and I don't want to leave KK, the choices is quite limited. I'm still hoping to get into government sector but I can't be really depending on it, right?

I have a lot of things in my mind, I mean I would like to do and some of it,I did but halfway only . Phew.

Like joining mandarin class for two years but never really try to practise it ; enroll self into sewing class, bought the machine but still doesn't know how to sew with it ; went to piano class, bought a piano but stopped after I passed the grade 1 exam.


Well, it sounded like I'm merely complaining or dissatisfied with my life. Mind you, I'm not being ungrateful with what I have now, but I'm just a human and keeping it all inside, is so not me.

I'm more than blessed with these things now but there were times I thought of taking a break, the need to step out of my comfort zone.

But, I don't have that confidence nor courage to do both.

How la?



Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Rainy May

It's raining outside

I don't remember May being the month of rainy season. I mean looking back from the previous years.

And now, it has been raining since Monday.

As odd as it may be, I somehow like the idea of rain but not the heavy one. A medium sized rain perhaps?

Personally, it is actually quite calming listening to the rain pouring outside. Back in uni, when it rained I'll cover myself in a blanket and slept the whole afternoon. Oh, how I missed those days!

Since I couldn't do that now,  let's just imagine then.





Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Chapter 5 of 2017

There were moments that I almost gave up on this inside story of mine. But to think back, of all the years that I've poured into this blog, I couldn't leave just like that.

So, I decided to stay and will try to blog every time I can.

As of today, a lot of things happened and mostly, it was unexpected. Be it a good one, nor bad, still it was indeed among the least to cross my mind.

And as of today..

I received a shocking news - uncle, whom is a family friend passed away last night.

I will soon, going to enter into another phase of life. Thank God.

I love flowers but the idea of caring for it make me think twice.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Self reminder - You can do it !

It has been like this since forever. We've always been scared of what people or the society are going to say.  We are like, trying to please them - indirectly saying.

Since I am naturally a so-called-coward person, doing something out of my routine or perhaps the unordinary is quite challenging for me.

I do want to make a lot of changes in my life.But, I don't know where to start.  I end up keeping my plans on hold aka procrastinating and slowly it fades away. Fuhh.

Early this morning, a good friend posted a video on Facebook. Thanks,by the way. It is indeed a self reminder that I need to step up and do more for a better me.

"If I have more, if I have less,doesn't matter. I worry about myself. The fact that you're worrying about other people's accomplishments is already a losing formula."

#fingerscrossed

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Temptations

Still with the same temptations.

" A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ,because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation,is also the only man who knows what temptation means - the only complete realist."

C.S Lewis, Mere Christianity

Fighting this temptation is indeed challenging for me.  Maybe I didn't try hard enough but I've prayed for it everyday.

There were times that I manage to get over it but mostly, I failed.

Help me Lord, for I am your weak servant.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Get things done

Word of the day - Procrastinate

I bet, everyone has this and  I shall not compare myself. But personally, I consider mine is among the worst. Haha

Here's a list of things that I should've done but ....

1/  My father suggested to me that I should buy small pillows. So,
     that I can put them at the back seat of my car - Early 2016
     
     Action : It's 2017 and I haven't buy any pillow. 

2/ My father asked me to pick some family picture, to print it and
    frame it - 2016

    Action : I only pick the pictures. I haven't reach the printing and
                  framing stage.

3/ I had my DIY mode activated in the early 2016. So, I made an
    owl, 9 of it actually. The plan was to put these owls in my car
    for deco purpose.

    Action : 50% done. 

And the list goes on. Phew.

If yesterday was about how to get started,well today is how to be less procrastinating. Both are quite challenging.

I was determined to be less procrastinate for this year. 2017 resolution. Maybe. Perhaps. Probably. I'm not sure.

Well, I may not be able to fully follow my resolution but one step at a time is way better than nothing.



     
     

Monday, March 20, 2017

Getting started

I saw this one sumandak on my insta search page, and guess what lingers on my mind?

" Waaaauuu! Punya lawa dia ni.."

And yes, I now have my Insta account. Thanks to Zalia and Terry.

Well, surely this sumandak posted a lot about her life event. One thing that attracts me to stalk more, aside from her beauty - is her work out/ gym routine.

New year resolution for 2 consecutive years, is to get fitter and healthier. But,to fail attempt. Haha

First few months of the year, I am and was motivated to get myself into this active lifestyle. But,doing it all by myself it's not that easy. I'm so tempted to just being lazy me when I get back home from work.

So, getting started is the hardest part for me. Haha. Phew!

Any tips for a beginner like me? 



Sunday, January 1, 2017

2016 inside stories

I slept early morning today and yet, I'm awake already.
Never mind. Happy New Year 2017! 

Annually, I was supposed to blog on the very last day of the year, which was yesterday, to recap on what has happened in 2016. But, last night was a bit hectic. So, ya, I decided to do it today then. 

January 2016

Well, early in January, I noticed that I am growing apart from you. I know, it was not a good feeling at all, but I can't help it. But, I tried hard as if nothing was happening inside me.

Unplanned trip was actually the best trip ever. Right? So, me and my Sumandaks made a surprise trip to visit Aneys and Fenny. What a day! :)

February 2016

My  issue was at its peak at this moment. I really felt that I need a get away from all of this and since I've been longed to go to a retreat, I made it to  Kaingaran, Tambunan.

This month, another not really planned trip of Sumandaks outing - a picnic at Sorinsim, Kota Marudu. I guess, I drove my baby jazz a bit rough that I hurt her. :(

March 2016

Starting of a not so good month for me. After the retreat, I felt calmer but the issue got a bit more complicated. I requested for my personal space, to sort things out. Somehow, somewhere on that time, I felt that, it won't turn out well but I prayed harder.

April 2016

I've asked around, I mean my besties about my issue. Their answers was actually the ugly truth that was a bit hard for me to swallow. I felt like everyone was pointing their finger at me and blaming me. So, I went for another retreat.

I tried doing things out of my comfort zone - as in suddenly joining a run, KPJ color run.

May 2016

This month was my turning point. Despite all the negative feedback that I got  around me, I decided to do what my heart felt like doing so. Thanks to Anty B, for her encouragement words which was actually true.

So, after being in a relationship with this someone for almost 3 years, I decided to quit.

On a different note, another spontaneous trip. This time not with Sumandaks, but with the Wakau Clan. It was indeed great!

June 2016

I started to feel alone in a crowd. I guess that was my reaction to handle a break up for the second time. Not that bad compared to the first one but it did sure affect me. I tried doing a lot of things, making myself busy or trying to sleep early almost every night just to get through the day. Thanks to my Sumandaks and that few someone who was there during my down moments.

I went to my Grade 1 piano exam and I passed! Weehuu!

Unexpected trip again - this time to Beluran, to visit Ronn's school.

July 2016

Picnic time at Malangang, Kiulu. I consider this as a last minute plan as well.

Losing my uncle unexpectedly. 

I tried wall climbing for the first time and it was awesome.Hehe

August 2016

I started doing a part time job as a tutor. Well, it's not as easy as I thought but thanked God, I managed to go through each week. Haha

I went to another OT course.

September 2016

September was my favorite month and yet a busy month. Each week with a different event to attend.

The first week, a wedding I attended with my father just because we  were both invited. Haha
Second week, became a psalmist during Diana's wedding day in which I've never expect it could lead to something new. It's a long weekend for this second week, and I'm glad I was able to spend them with my family.
Third week, I was doing studio recording for the Melodi Kasih 2 album. Thank you Lord for this great opportunity.
Fourth weekHappy Birthday Self!. Earlier, I planned on going for the Retret Panggilan on this fourth week. But I guess, Lord has His own plan for me that suddenly, at the 11th hour, I couldn't make it. 

October 2016

Penang trip with my colleagues! Hehe

Unexpected FB message from someone. Hehe

November 2016

Ronn's Convo trip to KL. 

December 2016

It was a December to remember.  Family gatherings, sumandaks meet up and spending Christmas with someone new.


All in all 2016 was a mix of many events. But, I am very grateful and thankful Lord, because I did get my answer.

May 2017 be a good and blessed year for everyone of us ! Amen